So I haven't been blogging for a while. I have no real excuses, plenty has happened, I just haven't felt inclined to. I could spend my life drifting from blog to blog just reading what other people have going on, what they think of things, what makes them laugh, what they deem important enough to share with the world...

It's actually pretty scary. And amazing. All these lives just bared to the masses. Of course some of them are not personal at all and are just a place to go and smile at, but some offer insightful...um...insights into other lives.

I don't tend to share much personal stuff on my blog. I think I might start to mix some in.

I quit my job last month. I hadn't been in since June anyway. Signed off with depression. I know, I know, sounds like everyone else in blogland. Depression and mental illness are two of the most common post tags (so they won't be tagged on to this post!). I don't know what was wrong. I still don't feel right. I feel better, but not right.

I have had two sets of blood tests to rule out physical causes. I have been offered pills, which I declined cos I am apparently prejudiced and am scared of the stigma. Actually that's not true. I declined cos I don't think I need them.

I'm not sure why I corrected myself instead of deleting the original bit. Maybe to show my state of mind.

I have been referred to a counselling service. The NHS one. I'm still waiting for an appointment. Good job I'm not suicidal, eh?

What gets me is that I don't know what's wrong. Am I being honest with myself? I hope so. This is why I think I need counselling. I am happy at home, I am happy with Nolly, I am worried about money, I am worried about letting people down, I am not afraid of losing Nolly cos I know it won't happen.

This is a little big of history repeating. I quit my last job too, you see, due to depression. That was after my brother killed himself. This doesn't feel the same though. I don't know.

Anyway, Nolly has got himself a job to take the pressure off me. I am sure he doesn't mind, but I feel bad that I sort of forced him into it by quitting. I feel bad that I don't feel completely better.

I feel like I can't relax around my mother because I owe her money and I could have paid her back by now but I haven't. And she knows that. But she hasn't mentioned it. And I am too scared to. Wuss. Which is going to make for an interesting couple of days around her this week.

I have cut myself off. I haven't spoken to any of my friends properly in months. I haven't replied to emails, I haven't replied to text messages. I don't seem to miss them. That bothers me. I care about them but I feel like we have totally drifted apart.

I repeat, I do feel better. I just don't feel right.

What a disjointed mess this post is. Ask me if I care.

And Nolly, please don't panic when you read this. I love you, and I'm ok.

I don't mean for this post to generate a load of sympathy, so please don't give me any. I'd like to know what people think, of course, but I just wanted to say how I've been. Normal service will be resumed shortly.