It's very quiet here today.

Liverpool Lime Street has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.

Enjoy the blogmeet, everyone. See you at the next one hopefully!

Our friends are getting married tomorrow.

The weather outlook is not good. Windy and rainy and minging, oh my.

Wave height in the Atlantic is predicted to be up to 14m. Galway bay is somewhat sheltered, but even so waves of 4-6m are expected there by 3pm tomorrow afternoon. Just as we drive from the church to the hotel. That would be the Galway Bay hotel. Guess where that is!

I'm sure that no matter what the weather is like, they will have a fantastic day.

I am currently having a text argument conversation with Landers about how long to keep the puddy tats indoors at our new house.

We only brought them over from Helen's house yesterday, and they have spend any time they have not been snuggled next to us on the sofa miaowing constantly. He wants to let them out today. I said noooo keep them in until at least Sunday, and he said noooo I'm kicking them out at lunch time.

So I googled for information. I came across this, which made me giggle:

First, just accept the fact that you're being hopelessly selfish, and don't let your cats' scorn or the way your dog follows you from room to room looking mournful get to you.

Simply accept that once you move, your cats will not speak to you for at least a week, if not much longer. They will urinate on your underwear, scratch the new sofa, and if you let them out, not come back for several days. They will laugh at your agony with all their little kitty friends. They will decide not to eat the food they've been eating for years. They will forget they ever learned to use a litter box. In short, they'll make you wish you'd never been born, never met a cat, or simply stayed in the old house the way you were intended to by the cat gods.

Your dogs will speak to you, because they are, after all, dogs, and there's only so much they can bear to do that will hurt you. But they'll look at you with a reproachful gaze, and at last you'll fully understand where the phrase "puppy dog eyes" came from. They'll go on walks but will sadly inform you that they miss their old familiar smells, and worry that, without them to refresh the scent, the dogs in the old neighbourhood will forget them.

But essentially what I discovered is that most people recommend keeping them in for a month, not just a few days. I shall be sending Landers a very strongly worded text message!

I promise this is the last jokey post. For today, at least. I think many of these are from Tim Vine...

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual". Then the dentist said to me, "Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet".

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what!?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes', and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'

Batman came up to me and as he hit me over the head with a vase he shouted "T'PAU!"

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??"

He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

(ba dum tsh!)

And, more worryingly:

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

And finally, an epic one with a cracking punch line:

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

There is no NHS over here, so I've been looking into health insurance.

One company advertises the fact that they offer money towards non-essential expenses such as teeth whitening and laser eye surgery.

I've thought about laser eye surgery before. I don't hate wearing glasses but I do think Iook better without them. I wear contacts when I go out, and I like to take my glasses off for photographs.

I've never been able to justify the price, though. It's not something I need, and I have plenty of other things to spend my money on. But if I could get it cheaper...

So I looked into it.

LASEK

Lasek is performed by first loosening the skin on the surface of the eye with a drop of alcohol and gently brushing it aside temporarily. The laser reshapes the surface over 10 to 40 seconds and the skin is rolled back into position. A contact lens is placed onto the eye for 5 days to reduce any discomfort as the skin heals.

LASIK

Lasik is the most common treatment and the treatment of choice for patients with higher prescriptions. Using an automated instrument a thin layer of the cornea is lifted to create a flap and the underlying surface reshaped with the laser prior to repositioning the flap. Because the surface skin is disturbed less, there is less discomfort than LASEK and a more rapid recovery. Most patients experience a marked improvement in vision within 24 hours.

*pales*

I don't think I'll be having that done.

So last night was our first night in our new house. From work I went back to Helen and MJ's to get more of our stuff, and brought it over to our place. It's a bit bare at the moment, we didn't bring much furniture over with us, and all our stuff has been put in one room to be sorted out over the next few years weeks days.

We celebrated with beans on toast for tea, followed by a lovely bottle of champagne we had from a wedding a while back.

Our bedroom is HUUUUUGE! We only have the bed and our bedside tables in there at the moment, and there is still room for a three-piece suite and a dining table!

And, being only 2.4 miles from work, I managed to be late this morning. Quite an achievement, I think.

Read no further if you are easily offended!

In the course of hunting for a joke about thrush I heard once upon a time, I found a fantastic website of questionable humour - Sickipedia!

Some samples:

My girlfriend just got a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh & amazingly, if you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the sea.

Why are there so many beautiful women in Scandinavia?
Because the vikings left all the ugly fuckers in Scotland.

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't, you fucking idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you fucking dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A Quarter pounder with cheese.

I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green, and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

And possibly the very best one:

What's nine inches long and dangles in front of a cunt?
Steve McLaren's tie.

For many many more, go see www.sickipedia.org !

(And I couldn't find the joke I was looking for - I suppose I'll have to try to remember it!)

As if I wasn't happy enough today:

CLICKY!

It's moving in day!

How loudly can I squeal without being considered camp?

I have a car full of boxes of schtuff and no fuel. It's anybody's guess whether I will actually make it the house and back to work without running out.

*chortle*

I want to play this game sooooo bad... and it's only a little extra playable game as part of a Half Life 2 box set! Such a fantastic concept, it's well worth a look even if you don't like computer games. It's a bit brain melty though.

I'll have to settle for the flash version for now though:

CLICKY FOR MUCH PLAYINGNESS

It's a great little game, if frustrating on the later levels!

*shlupp* (the sound my brain makes as it leaks out of my ears)

Landers just heard from the estate agent, we got the house.

Here's to not being homeless!

*jazz hands*

*wipes hands*

Just went to look at another house.

EDIT: Pictures HERE.

It's really nice! Not on a lake, but in the countryside surrounded by fields, only five minutes from work. Marvellous.

Billed as 4 bedrooms, but only 3 really - one is downstairs and blatantly a dining room.

The master bedroom is en-suite (sorry Row! No spare en-suite for you!) and it also has a walk-in wardrobe!

Lovely big kitchen for cooking purposes, cosy living room, fake garage/playroom with built in bar and speakers. Cool.

We have said we'd like to go for it, but the owners have been trying to sell it and the lady hasn't told her husband she'd advertised it to let... Hope he doesn't mind! We have to wait for her to clear it with him, but we could be in tomorrow! Weeeeee!

*fingers crossed*

1. Which band would you like to see reform?

No Doubt! Stop prancing around and releasing shite, Gwen! The boys are waiting for you!

2. What are your thoughts on the Spice Girls and Boyzone reunions?

It's all about the benjamins, baby.

3. What's the best British band of all time?

Ugh. Ugh. Can't choose! Ugh. Queen.

4. Which band would you like to see split up and why?

Keane. The cherub-faced lead singer grates on me, for some reason.

5. Friday fill-in: If I formed a band I would call it _____________ and I would be the ___________.

Soylent Green, and I would try to be the lead singer.

Am currently breathing veeery shallowly (if that's a word) through my mouth.

The toilets of doom downstairs in the workshop have backed up. And overflowed. And the smell is un-fucking-believeable. I haven't been downstairs - I'm afraid I might pass out as I enter the yellow-tinged fog on the way down.

The Bog of Eternal Stench has nothing on this. It's more like The Bog of Internal Stench.

*does his best Ludo impression*

Smell BAAAAAAAAADDDD!

Ok, so we're not having the house on the lough.

The landlord was fine with pets. His wife isn't.

Moofaced witch.

*cries*

So now we're waiting for the other house. Should be ready for Wednesday - even though it was supposed to be tomorrow and they haven't even started the work yet.

Still, it is a nice house!

I just took a call from a lady called Dympna.

I had to ask her to spell it four times to make sure I'd got it right. I had.

A customer calls. They have a question. I don't know the answer.

I speak to the man who does.

He tells me the answer, I tell the customer. Everybody's happy.

If only.

What actually happens is this.

A customer calls. They have a question. I don't know the answer.

I speak to the man who does.

Him: Well, Brad, you see it's not as easy as that.

Me: Oh, really?

Him: If this happens, I have to do that.

Me: Ok...

Him: But I can't do that until this happens.

Me: Oh, but...

Him: And that means that sometimes I have to do this on a Thursday, which will put that back 'til next Wednesday.

Me: ... (having lost the will to live)

Him: So I can't really say.

Me: *thud* (forehead hitting desk again as customer hangs up, fed up of being on hold for 18 minutes)

!!?!

Why oh why couldn't he just say "I don't know". He's like this with every question I ever ask him - I never just get an answer, I get a four hour lecture, and then I still have to ask the question again at the end. RARRRR!

Oooh don't tell him I told you, cos I'm sure he'll want to tell you first, but...

...

...

We might be moving into a different house instead!

Tomorrow!

And it's nicer!

It's right on Lough Corrib, which is fantastic. Unless it floods, of course.

Anyway, Landers has been to see it already, and we're off to meet the landlord tonight. Fingers crossed!

*wees*

I know you're not from Manchester but...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from London.

He told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Cardiff.

He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a woman from Manchester.

He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The first day he couldn't see anything, and the second day he couldn't see anything.

By the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

They've discovered what is believed to be the cave Romulus and Remus took shelter in! It's been done out as a sort of shrine, but even so...

I think it's amazing that they still find things like this. Makes you realise we don't know as much as we think.

Linky-dink to BBC site.

I bet you didn't notice, but the countdown at the top of my blog now says seven days.

Our moving in date has been put back. Bah.

I knew there was too much to do in two and a bit weeks. Next Thursday is now the target.

Bunch of arse.

There is currently the brightest rainbow I have ever seen right outside my office window.

I'm off to hunt for leprechauns...

Stumbled across this post which made me wee! Go see!

Number 2 is my favourite.

12 of the finest double-entendres ever aired on British tv

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham
sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"Yes", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?????" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck says.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?!"