A convict on the run breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

To Whom It May Concern:

As a newcomer to Ireland who intends to purchase and renovate a property in the future, I was very interested when I saw your magazine “We Are Feckin' Eejits” in a local shop, and bought a copy.

While I enjoyed the articles and photographs, I was amazed at the poor standard of spelling and grammar exhibited on your pages. While many mistakes appeared to be simple typographical errors – an extra or missed keystroke here and there – some sentences had to be read several times to make sense of them.

The very first sentence in the magazine begins:

“With now that the barbecue season is over…”

And that was in the Editor’s section! These errors are unfortunate oversights which detract greatly from an otherwise polished and professional-looking magazine. It does not make a good impression – I would certainly not like my product or company associated with a magazine that shows so little care taken in its production.

I notice that you have no Copy Editor listed with the staff in the front of the magazine. With that in mind, I would like to offer my services as a proof reader. I have a good standard of English and, as demonstrated by the fact that I was moved to write to you, I have a bit of a passion for good grammar.

I would be happy to receive your articles by email and then suggest alterations for your approval before publication. I hope you agree that paying a small hourly fee for a proof reader would be preferable to lost revenue from advertising and sales due to putting out a shoddy product.

At the very least, encourage your staff to use the spell-checker in your word processing software. It won't catch all the mistakes, especially not the grammatical errors, but it will help. Have a little pride in your magazine!

Best regards,

Bradley Blogger
Pedant Extraordinaire

P.S. Gissa job!

...we move into our own place on the 23rd! W00T!